You know how every family has at least one person who’s just a frickin asshole?
Here’s the thing. I have an uncle who no one likes. He’s annoying, he gets in my face (literally) every chance he gets, he’s jealous of his siblings’ happiness and success, he’s toxic and he’s hateful. I almost want to say he’s not a bad person, because I do sometimes feel bad for him- but the multiple instances of adultery and the blatant racism/misogyny remind me that he is, in fact, not a good person. He’s fueled by ego, by a desire for power and control, and by a psychopathic disregard for the people he hurts along the way.
Who knew I’d find another one of those?
I’ve had an absolutely shit weekend, being verbally abused and accosted by someone who is supposed to have basic respect for me, if for no other reason than my relationship to Adam. My description above perfectly fits this person, save for the adultery (as far as I know). Realizing this has been really hard for me, though- not because I care for that person really at all, but because of how it might affect the people surrounding us.
Said uncle- I don’t give a shit about his kids, my cousins. They don’t like me either, which is just how I’d like to keep it. They inherited a lot of those traits above from their dad. I avoid them, they avoid me, and we’re pretty much good to go. When he does something shitty I call him, he gets mad, whatever. It’s fine. We’ve got that worked out. It’s established at this point and we’re fine with it.
Coming across new versions of this person and this relationship, however, it is difficult and it is triggering. It reminds me of the years of turmoil my parents and I went through with that terrible relationship and coming to a point of stable mutual dislike. It reminds me of the sunday afternoon fights and my grandmother crying. It gives me intense anxiety.
It also gives me intense anxiety because in this case, I care about the surrounding relationships. I care about the people who are going to be affected by how that person is now going to speak about me behind my back (though as rude as they’ve been to me for 3.5 years I am sure the verbiage isn’t going to change much). I care about how those people see me, and I don’t really think that will change- but I also feel devastated for those people and realizing just how they’re treated by this horrible person.
Which brings me to kind of my point-
TOXIC FAMILY MEMBERS AREN’T ENTITLED TO FORGIVENESS JUST BECAUSE THEY’RE FAMILY.
I’m going to say this, too- few people are entitled to forgiveness at all. We’re entitled to oxygen and that’s really about it in this world we live in lol. Anyway.
I think that the two examples of fragile, insecure, volatile men I’ve discussed in this post today have something huge in common:
They think it’s okay to act the way they do.
In both of these cases, they have been allowed to continue the relationships with people that they hurt, so this idea that they can do what they want and not be affected by their actions is completely validated. In at least one of these cases, it’s super interesting because I know for a fact that the only reason people continue upholding that relationship is because of the terrible person’s family- not because of some redeeming quality of that person. Doesn’t that suck? To realize that you’ve become such a shit person that the only reason some of your friends are still around is because they like your wife/kids so much? Yikes.
Anyway- I’m interested to know if anybody else has similar experiences/stories or perhaps your thoughts on this? Maybe we can do a youtube episode where I share some of your experiences or talk about some advice for people in similar situations?? Oh let’s do it. Comment, DM or email me your similar experiences/your advice for people in this situation and I’ll share it!!!
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