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  • Writer's pictureAlanna Grayce

Thoughts on my 26th Birthday

So quite frankly, i went a lot of different directions with this week’s blog post. I’ll still post those, but not today hehe.

I just spent the weekend celebrating my 26th birthday, with kayaking, a night out, brunch and a pool day with friends. My friends came together and loved me so good, i drank so many stinking bloody mary’s and Adam made us all the most delicious wraps to eat while we kayaked! The best part of the wraps was the homemade pickled red onions that Adam makes. Incredible.

Anyway, then my actual birthday was spent being lazy with PURPOSE. OK? Usually I’m lazy because I’m depressed and anxious LOL. Today, I gave myself permission to be lazy with the promise of motivation later this week. That kind of works, frankly. So I watched Alice in Wonderland (the original!) and Adam made me pancakes. I laid on the couch and snuggled with Wynn while he went to the gym- we love the occasional alone time, especially after a weekend full of people ya know. I watched American Ultra, which is a surprisingly funny and good mood. Well, not that surprising I guess, because Jesse Eisenberg is hilarious. Kristen Stuart was awesome too- i know she is super controversial, but frankly she is a really great actress. Twilight just gave her an awful character to play lol. And now, I'm going to eat some lunch and go lay out by the pool. I think I must be part plant, because I can never get enough sun. Tomorrow, Adam and I have a date planned that I am so excited for. Have to decide where to go, though. Probably Mai Thai.

Back to the point- I wanted to bring y’all some thoughts. On life, on aging, and on finding your way. Am I really the one to try to bring you “wisdom”? No, not really. But perhaps that’s why I am a good source. The past year and a half of my life has been the hardest I’ve ever experienced.. Lord, it has been so bad. Beginning with losing my papaw, and I was absolutely grief wrecked and destroyed. I’ve told y’all plenty about that, though- you know already (see: Episodes #14, #38) how it’s affected me. I’ve also been pretty upfront about how the panny destroyed a lot of the job leads I was chasing, since I graduated with my Masters in May of 2020. All of those jobs that had been available- they just weren’t anymore. That was hard. But now I’m over a year outf from that, jobs in that field are starting to come back, and I still can’t get fricking hired. It is EXHAUSTING. It is disheartening. I spent years of my life studying specialized topics so that I would have a solid chance at getting a good job… and here I am. Jobless, insecure financially, insecure about what I should be doing and why nothing I work hard towards is working out for me. Where have I gone wrong? Is this the Creator giving me some SERIOUS character building? Probably but I’m like way over it. It’s too much. I need to catch a break so bad y’all.

And like- I’m TWENTY SIX. That’s closer to 30 than 21. That’s terrifying.. And I’m trying so hard to not be terrified by it. But I’m scared, because I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing or where I’m supposed to be or how I’m going to continue providing a beautiful life for my tiny puppy that I love more than anything. I want to become successful so badly, and I work towards it. Why is it so difficult? Wow, I’m really just venting here more than giving you wisdom it turns out. Yikes.

But ya know what? I think that’s because I needed the vent. And maybe someone else needed to hear it too. I love to show people that they’re not alone- I hope very much that my vulnerability is a reminder that even when you think someone has it all, when you think someone knows what they’re doing- they’re probably just winging it.

Just wing it has been my motto for a long time, for a lot of things, and it’s worked out for me. I kind of realize now, on my birthday as i write these reflections, that i’ve let a lot of things go that have served me very well over the years. I’ve learned that trying to control things is a fool’s errand, and yet here I am, in a daily state of panic for my inability to control the trajectory of my life at the moment. I’ve learned that the moon gives us cleansing and new beginnings- and for that reason I am grateful that full moons often correlate with the days around my birthday, so I cant start a new moon cycle and a new year on this earth in a very thoughtful and “new” headspace. I’ve learned that trying is not trying hard, but also that your worth is derived from how hard you try. You are intrinsically valuable, and you deserve to be on this earth, to have your needs met, and to be happy.

Happiness really is what we are put on this earth for, I believe- to be happy, to spread happiness. I’ve come to the conclusion over the past few months of contemplating my spirituality and my thoughts on the universe that we are all little pieces of the Creator (as the Bible tells us, if you’d like to believe it, we each have God inside of us). I have come to the conclusion that it is not just that there’s a little bit of God’s love inside of us, but that we are all walking pieces of the Divine, stardust of the same collective consciousness, experiencing limitations and love and misery and evolving along the way. How boring would it be to be an omniscient, omnipotent, Universal power wielding entity? So our Creator puts little pieces of itself (I’ve decided that limiting an omniscient being to a gender just so that my human mind can comprehend it is kind of weak minded) into its creations to see, and experience, and understand better. To pass the time, ya know? An experiment of sorts. To see what we can do, to see how happy we can be, to see how happy we can make others.

So, I suppose that’s it for this week. I’m twenty six now, and I still haven’t found my way fully. I’m working on it, and finding little threads that tell me where I need to go. Little threads of figuring things out to guide me down the path that is meant for me, that fulfills me, that brings me the most joy. And that is OKAY. We are not on a schedule, we are not being timed, to see how quickly we can achieve our end goal that we have to determine for ourselves. It’s like figuring out the solution to a puzzle when you’re not even given 75% percent of the pieces. It’s difficult and it’s scary but we can do it, and we will. We will find happiness, and we will hopefully bring happiness to others. That’s good enough for me.

byeeeeeeee <3

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