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Just thinking. 4/17/23

Oh, hey guys…. Long time, no blog.

Sorry about that.

It’s kind of, well, all been a LOT lately. Expanding myself as an artist. Just keeping up with the pod. Working full time because these things unfortunately don’t pay my bills just yet. Trying to have a life and actually live it. Honestly, it’s crazy how hard it is to live a life you love while still working to afford it. Almost like the system isn’t designed to…. Nevermind, that’s for another post.

I finally decided to come back to blogging because, in spite of feeling incredibly overloaded and burnt out lately, my mental health has been feeling pretty good! I was on the literal edge of a meltdown this past friday, so i came home, put my phone on the charger, and ignored it. All evening. I did little tasks, I drank wine and ate junk food, and I stared at the ceiling and found shapes in the paint texture. It was beautiful. I’ve also been challenging myself to spend more time in silence, rather than trying to fill every moment with a podcast or music, and that’s been incredible as well.

So today, in my extremely improved state, I’ve been inspired to share something with you. While walking with Wynn earlier today, I was listening to music in my earbuds; Ophelia by the Lumineers came on.

This line:

“And I don't feel nothing at all

And you can't feel nothing small”

It sent me down a long rabbit hole of thoughts, especially about how so much of what I feel seems so big. It all feels like the biggest thing in the world- “man I LOVE the sunshine”, “wow this rain makes me feel SO down”, “augh this coffee is delicious”. Etc, etc. Now, I am pretty sure I’ve read before that this is a symptom of a mental illness, and that’s probably true. But this then brought me to how when people are calm and observant and quiet, we often call them an “old soul”. And THAT is where this blog is going lol. As always, took me a minute to get there.

Why do we associate quiet observation with “old souls”? It’s because they’ve been here, seen it, done it. They’re not surprised, they’re not excited, they’re just experiencing another go around and somehow they know it.

But why do we assume an old soul can’t be vivacious and excited for life?

I certainly have no idea how old my soul is, but I’ve always felt it’s seen some things. I think that’s exactly why I’m empathetic, why I feel such big emotions, why I am so hungry for experience and so in love with every little sparkle of light on leaves. Because I know how rare and beautiful it is. Because I know all too well how quickly it goes, and the value in taking in every moment of it.

Why aren’t old souls allowed to have fun? Why are they expected to be jaded?

I don’t have any kind of answer. More than anything, I’m really proud of myself for letting my thoughts run wild today, and for actually getting on and actually typing up this blog post- as short as it is. I’m proud of myself for getting a grip back on the reigns and doing something I love again- especially since some of you have told me you’ve missed it.

Thanks as always for reading, Thinkers.

Ophelia Lyrics:

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