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  • Writer's pictureivebeenthinkingpod

thinking about: expectations, starting from the bottom and asking for help <3

Updated: Jan 19, 2022

One of the things I've really allowed to have power over my mental health is my… well, we’ll say expectations of my friends. And honestly, that's kind of shitty of me in a few ways.

I do want to be honest about this: it is so, so difficult to see your friends and family, the people who are supposed to support you and love you and lift you up, just not give a shit about the things you’re doing. That is really hurtful and has seriously affected my perception of myself and my self-worth. But I have a responsibility over how I let other people affect me, also, and that's where the nuance comes in to this.

It's also kind of entitled of me to have these high expectations of other people, though. No matter how they're connected to me, no matter the amount of DNA or shared experiences we share! So I am being very unfair to those around me, expecting them to do work and support me in ways that they may just not be interested in at all. Which is also difficult, not only to remember but to truly internalize.

So this is where this came from: One of the hardest things about getting the podcast off the ground, considering i started it without a large existing social media fan base, is getting listeners! Getting people to listen, and then getting them to share. And as many of us know, that’s the number one way to get a podcast to grow! That’s how Crime Junkie grew, ya know? I remember in the early days of their pod, every episode they pleaded for shares. And people showed up for them!!!! In awesome, beautiful ways.

So it’s so easy to get stuck in asking: “why won’t people show up for me?” And to be honest, I do ask myself that. I’m not proud of it, because it’s not putting good energy into the universe. Feels like a desperation mindset, not an abundance mindset ya feel? But to an extent, I do think it’s an important question to ask- just definitely not to dwell on.

It’s asking myself that question that has led me to taking a brief sabbatical from recording and producing the pod this month. That sabbatical has allowed me time and space and energy to regroup, to develop some new ideas and to come up with a new and improved game plan to move forward with. To start producing content that y’all will want to share, and that follows with the mission I had in mind for I’ve Been Thinking at the beginning. Content that is not me getting lost in the sauce, just trying to meet deadlines and losing the point of what I'm trying to do around here.

I still get caught up in comparing myself some days- I think it will be a while before I can get past that. I compare myself to the people who put so little effort into creating meaningful content- and yet they get thousands of listens every month. I compare myself to the people who literally just get on a mic and fucking talk about random shit that happened in their day and everyone wants to listen to that. Yeah, it can be fun, I agree. And some people are funny and I enjoy that too. But why can’t I grow and blow up and become successful like those people? I’m putting effort in to my content, trying to be meaningful and insightful, researching and bringing you thoughtful topics and fun facts. Why can’t that be enough?

This is what’s in my head…. Like all the time. That comparison, that sadness, those feelings of mediocrity and comparison and “why am i not enough”. It sucks, reeeeeeally badly. It’s demoralizing, it’s discouraging. It makes me want to quit, honestly.

(and I want to clarify- I literally came back and edited this post TO clarify- I'm not trying to come across as desperate ok? I totally understand how this can sound that way, Allison called me and told me I sounded desperate lol and that was not my intent!!! ok moving on.)

I’m dedicated to this project, though. I love it, and I love the ways it challenges me. I’ve come to realize that the way I've been approaching this isn’t the best for my mental health, though. This comparison, this demoralization. I want to grow, I want us to be a community, a group of DIFFERENTLY minded individuals who want to seek new perspectives and learn new things and understand other people. I want so badly to improve the world in any way, and for me the podcast seemed like a fun way to do it for everybody! So that was kind of the point of starting the show. And I see in so many ways how I've lost that over the past two years. Thank God for that sabbatical huh

I don’t really have a lesson, a plot, a purpose for tonight’s post. I guess the point is just to be transparent with some of the struggles of starting a creative endeavor from the ground up. It is not as easy as every semi-celebrity podcaster makes it look, with their whole entire production teams and their hundreds of thousands instagram followers to tune in every week. It’s hard work, and it’s difficult, but it’s also fun and rewarding. You guys and your participation and the value that you find in the content I try to produce- that’s the value for me. Now, it's time for all of us to grow this and give it a bigger impact.

I want to finish off by asking this of you guys: can you share the podcase (or the blog!) with someone this week, so that we can grow? hehe thank you ily

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