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  • Writer's pictureAlanna Grayce

Journal on Grief 8/16/21

What a weekend, y'all.

I drove down to my parents' on Friday after the gym. Thus, I was completely missing on social on a day when I'm normally up y'all's butts about listening to a new episode. Have you listened yet, btw? It's goooooood.

Saturday morning my family and I headed to the funeral home- my grandmother's bestfriend passed away last week, and I was honored with being a pallbearer at the service. It was a sweet time celebrating her life and who she is, though definitely marred by our inability to love on each either thanks to covid.

The whole thing really had me reflecting, though. Losing a grandmother figure is hard... even though I've had so much time to mourn her, because she has been sick for so long. And it's so sweet to know that know she's with her husband, whom she adored. Anyway, I wanted to share some of my reflections:

It never gets easier. The pain never goes away. The devastation I felt when I lost my papaw a year and a half ago- it says with me still. The only thing time does is allow the pain to numb a little. It sits in the back of my mind rather than the front. The grief sticks with me and returns at a moments notice. In the same vein, I've spent the last week reflecting on Mrs Messer's contributions to my life. Her voice sticks in my head, how she influenced my love for reading, how soft spoken and full of grace she was.

So I've just really been thinking about how much we need to focus on what those we've lost have given us. How much the lived. How much they loved. It helps the grief a little, I think. At least it makes it a little better.

Losing Mrs Messer has been terrible for my grandmother, her best friend. Which led me to this- we are all going to either be the last friend alive, or have to attend our friends' funerals. How f*cking awful. That's a terrible realization. Allison and Taylor have so often said I will be the first to die just because I want the drama of having EVERYBODY there lol.

This has been one hell of a road for me. Coming to terms with the idea of my mortality. Definitely still something that plunges me into panic attacks, don't worry- I'm not beyond it. But the incomprehensibility of eternity or whatever life and death is- I also don't think it's meant to be fully understood by humanity. Doesn't mean it won't drive me nuts but that's what lexapro is for ya know.

Anyway, I don't know really that there was a full on lesson to be had in this entry. Just sharing the thoughts. Hoping that my experiences might ring true for someone else and bring some sort of comfort, hoping that my thoughts might help someone else gain some enlightenment. I've needed it I guess, so maybe you do too. Who knows. Hope you liked this.

An episode that you might like, that might help you or someone you know:

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