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Journal: Oct 10, 2022

It’s amazing how much writing down your thoughts, feelings, memories- how much all of that can really help you clear your mind and focus.


I haven't been writing as much lately- I’ve been really distracting myself with consuming content rather than creating it, and with trying to push down a lot of my anxieties or memories rather than putting the energy into coping with them.


After some reflection, one of the main reasons for this is simply that I’m tired. It’s exhausting to work hard, like ALL the time I’m working- working at my 10-5, working on paintings when I get home, working on my social media, working on the pod. All the time. And then to come home and have to do those things that are necessarily for life today- clean up after yourself, feed yourself, take care of the pup, go to the gym. I’ve been boosting myself out of the beginnings of depression by pushing things down and jumping off the top of them, like Mario on a block. The only thing that’s been keeping me going is blind will and I’m starting to run out of it.. Because sometimes, even when you are successful, even when you are making money or growing or even just getting to do the things you’ve always dreamed, you’ll still have anxieties try to ruin those moments for you. For me, it’s the fact that no matter how hard I’m working, I still have to worry about money right now... Like, that’s so stressful and absolutely undercuts all the joy I should be feeling, getting to live out my dreams. I still am ultimately living paycheck to paycheck at this point, and that’s exhausting.


AND- before anyone says anything- I am beyond privileged and I recognize that. I’m sitting here with a roof over my head, in a nice warm bed with the windows of my condo open and zero worries because I live in a nice, wealthy, safe neighborhood. I’ve never had to go hungry and I’ve never wondered if I’ll be able to afford a meal. I’ve never had to live without heat or AC, i’ve never been without power or clean clothes. I never will. I’m very blessed, if you will. I am acutely aware.


That doesn’t mean that the struggle that sooooo many of us are experiencing- because I know that this experience is NOT unique to me- isn’t difficult. It doesn’t mean that I deserve sympathy or a GoFund me. It just means that I’m in a hamster wheel, and I’m spinning so fast that I’m scared that if I slow down i won’t be able to take a breath, but instead will go tumbling on my face with the momentum.


All of this stream of consciousness writing is to say… that I’m just kind of having a moment. A creative block. A lot of anxiety has built up a lot of worries are blocking what i should be creating and enjoying. I’ll be okay, I know that. It’s not THAT bad, I know that too. But i also know that my feelings are valid and that I deserve a break sometimes. I haven’t been writing as much lately, and that was my break, even though I didn’t really let y’all know. But I’ll be doing better, here and on Insta/tiktok, about sharing and creating good content again. Promise.

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