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  • Writer's pictureAlanna Grayce

Journal on Finding Yourself 8/23

I happened across a quotation earlier today on pinterest that I thought was really fitting for this. "It's my goal to have no final form. To never be defined. To never stop exploring, learning. To experience life as long as I'm alive." - Jerico Silvers

Finding yourself is like, the point of life kind of. That's the thing, right? You find yourself and then things change, and then you find yourself again, and then you change some, and then over and over. There's never a true end point, but that's what makes it fun. And super challenging.

So that's kind of what I'm going through right now. And I'm sad about it because DAMN I really loved the person I was. HAPPY and GLOWING! Having fun all the time, not really sure where I was going but in the best way, making enough money to pay for food and drinks and pretty clothes. Satisfied with my mental health and spirituality and I had boys knocking the door down.

So why now, that I'm in a relationship with a person I love, am I having all these problems? Unable to get a paying job that makes me not want to kill myself, can't get my mental health in check, and frankly I am very confused about who I am and where I'm going and I am scared.

But the thing is, it's not the good scared. Not the thrilling scared, like when you're meeting someone new or going on a rollercoaster. The terrifying, I'm walking home in the dark and I don't know if that's a hungry bear or a serial killer behind that bush and oh my gosh is that a scary clown around the corner kind of scared.

Writing all of this down for y'all now, reading that quotation, and mulling over some of the things I've been thinking today (I started working on a painting in honor of someone special so I've been doing a lot of deep thinking) has really made me realize- my problem is that I'm not the right kind of scared. I'm always scared, because my body has been in fight or flight anxiety mode for over a year now and I can't get it to stop lol. But I'm not rollercoaster scared, and that's what I need, that's what drives me to be better and achieve better and feel ALIVE!!!

One of the times I've felt the most myself, the most alive was when I went to Japan by myself to meet up with my cousin, back in 2018. I made friends, I fell in love Mama Mia style, I fell in love with MYSELF, I found foods that I will never get over and fell in love with a country I would go back to again and again... that was furkin scary to go do that all by myself lol. But it was GOOD and I was alive and I was enjoying life and adventuring. I hate this sitting in the house, avoiding people, not having money to go do things or have fun. I hate it. It is boring and FRANKLY it is probably one of the big reasons I'm so depressed.

I guess I need to start channeling energy into adventure and good fear again, rather than the other kind of fear that I have turned into my accidental default.

I asked on the instagram what other people do to find themselves, to figure out who they are- and my bff Allison replied that she tries to find a way to adapt things that make her happy so that she can re-live them as she is now. Which I think is super interesting- it's like honoring your inner child in some ways, the way we do when we eat our favorite childhood snacks or watch our favorite childhood shows. That feeling of nostalgia, but also sureness of who you are. At least that's kind of how it makes me feel usually. Like a deep down memory of my truest form- baby me. If only we could go back ha

Ugh, I digress a little. Off the beaten path. Okay- anyway I'm going to focus on being good scared for a while, and I'll report back. Sound ok to y'all? I think I should do one new thing a week, like in the area of where I live. Even stupid free things... like the cool parks, going on walks in downtown Cincy to see things I haven't up close, that kind of thing. That's fun. THAT is romanticizing life and that kind of is what I'm all about... I've just been struggling with it lol. Well now that I've written this out, I'm going to hold myself to it and come back this time next month and tell you how I feel.

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